I am whoever spam says I am...
"And I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In my inbox, the spam everyday I am"
Sampled from Eminem, "The Way I Am" from the Marshall Mathers LP
Like many others who have their e-mail addresses on the web getting swept up by spiders, I get lots of spam. Most of it gets caught in a trap that I have to clean out every couple of weeks. As I was cleaning it out today, I wondered...just who do these people think I am, anyway? And I decided to get an answer to that question.
The following statements about my identity come from 48 hours worth of my spam (about 90 messages). Generally speaking, I am indadequate in many ways. Are you like me? If you are, you...
- definitely need to refinance your house because you are paying WAY too much interest on your current mortgage...and, alas...your recent loan application has been denied; fear not, though, because if you're like me a GREAT DEAL awaits you regardless of your credit
- can get paid today to shop, eat, surf the web, give your opinion, or do something non-specific involving Ebay
- can avoid work altogether, making money by helping out friends from several African republics (your choice of three), by "networking with friends" in a system that is definitely not a pyramid marketing scheme, or by qualifying for 1000s of government loans that go unclaimed every year!
- seem to be lonely, but thankfully many of your friends have fixed you up on blind dates; also, there is no shortage of hot singles in your area who want to meet you [sic] tonite!!
- have bad luck with computers and certain other of your possessions, most of which run slowly, are infested with viruses, or simply need repairs (which you did not expect). You definitely should get many extended warranties to protect yourself, especially since at least 6 of your current warranties have expired
- are lucky, though, in that you have won a free Xbox, a digital camcorder, several free tanks of gas, a free lunch at several fast-food chains, free money at a casino, free copies of Adobe and Microsoft software titles, free round-trip tickets, a coffee maker and various types of biscotti, and free samples of cellulite removal cream
- are, uh, undersized compared to most men...but the problem seems to be reversible with an adequate supply of oral and topical medications and, perhaps, an exercise regimen
- are diabetic; who knew? better lay off the biscotti
- qualify for affordable health care (good thing, too, considering your blood sugar problem
- can burn fat while you sleep, which sounds like a good idea about now, especially since you can meet your soul mate tomorrow!
Ah, but that's just me, or at least the version of me that I just flushed out of the spam trap. But don't worry, because even as I type this, I accumulate more identity...it seems I am also a Christian in need of Debt Consolidation...
Bill
Posted by at May 23, 2004 06:30 PM
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